I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I want her autograph on my taint
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
