They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
