She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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