Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
that's an acceptable place to lick
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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