I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
