Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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