You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
