I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
