hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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