No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
