i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
