Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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