She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
