Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
