so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
