I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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