if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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