We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
