she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
that may or may not have been my penis.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
