i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
