And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
he shaved USA in his pubs
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
