I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
