yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
