you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
His hands were made for my vagina.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
