I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I want a musical about memes.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
