just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Houston, we have a squirter
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
