I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
