Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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