Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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