No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Randomize
