Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
