Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
