"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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