Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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