if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
