Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
