sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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