11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
