stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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