you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
