see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
