she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
