i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
