We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
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