Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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