In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
