boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
