I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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