So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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