Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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