She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Couch. On fire.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
