My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
