no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
